Bianca Lively: Life As I Knew It..

12/7/18

Life As I Knew It..

Original Post Date: March 11th, 2016
Hello all.. It has been a good while since I've posted anything on social media, let alone blogged which has always been a huge passion of mine. I started this blog about 4 years ago, when C and I got engaged in 2012. Being able to share my lifestyle as a wife and a mom was something I loved doing. It was for my own personal use (a journal per-say), so that I can look back and see all the updates on my wedding planning, then later on- my pregnancies (got to share all the weeks of my ever growing baby bump), the special vacations we'd take, different outfit posts -just to feel as if I was some sort of model haha-, and to remember all the memories I had with my family. Growing a following on my blog and Youtube, just sort of happened. Like I said, I loved this. And still do, but things have been off the past couple of months (hince the reason for my disappearance), and the relationship with my husband has been diminishing.

Life As I Knew It, was officially falling behind me.

I became 'mom'. I became 'mom' with the same routine every day and craved for my husbands attention.. On a daily basis. He worked to support our family, and work became his life, his passion, his everyday. Doubles and OT were the best news in the house.. And instead of being the supportive wife that I should have been, I found myself becoming a very unhappy, super-needy human. I would complain and complain day in and day out about how alone I felt and how sad I was. My family was over an hour and a half away, I hardly had any mom friends, and was so afraid of making new friends and being out and about. A woman that just wanted her man by her side, home with me, and to spend one-on-one time with me so that I can feel like a wife again and have a normal adult conversation, (I'm sure a lot of you mom's can relate right now) But, then I realized that in order for me to be happy, I needed to work on being more appreciative and busy on my own with our daughter, instead of sitting at home, waiting to just see him for give or take 3 hours here and there. I knew I had to change myself or life was going to take the better part of me. ....So I did, January 1st, 2016 I started waking up earlier (4am to be exact), taking time for myself, reading my bible, journaling in an actual book and began getting busier with Sophia during dads work days, so that when he was finally off, we can spend time with him and enjoy him being home.
Remembering how I documented this first day

Then life hit us like a ton of bricks, and changing myself became too late... for him.

C got into one of the worst accidents at work in January, which had him hospitalized for way too long. Being pregnant didn't stop me from being by my husbands side in that hospital bed. I prayed over him, prayed over us. And had faith, that everything would be okay. This was our chance to be home together, this was our chance to reconnect. To stop and relax with just our little family of 3 (soon to be 4). I remember how off things were at the hospital with C when he got hurt. I would try helping him to the restroom, or sponge bathe him and he'd tell me to move, or stop because "he can do it himself.". He wasn't being himself at all. He was being different and cold towards me, but I just figured, maybe he's just stressed now because he won't be able to work for a good while.. So, I let it go.
First day at the hospital
When we got home, I had everything ready for him. Medications picked up and organized with an alarm set up so I wouldn't forget what he'd have to take and when he'd have to take them. Soft foods, a strict diet, a huge water bottle to keep him hydrated and completely blacked out our bedroom so the light from the outside wouldn't hurt his eyes or head. I was finally being myself again and was excited to be able to take care of my husband so he can relax and recover. My dreams of having him by my side were happening.

But C had other plans.. Even though I had finally changed myself for the better by becoming more positive, and busy with Sophia, it was too late for him. His feelings for me died. "I'm just emotionally, physically, and mentally checked-out from this." were his words. Broken, is an understatement. Lump in my throat and so many tears streaming down my face that I never knew I even had, for months. I reached out to only a handful of friends and family that I knew would pray for my family and help guide me more towards Jesus. It was exactly Him that helped me, it was what I needed. I don't know if you remember, but like I said earlier in this post, on January 1st (before C got hurt), I started reading my bible and journaling at 4 am to reconnect myself with Jesus. I had never done this before. God knew, He just knew I needed to start leaning on Him, because of what was to come into my life a few weeks later. Gives me the chills thinking about it now. He was preparing me for this separation, He was preparing me to be a single momma, He was guiding me and I leaned on Him like I have never done so before. It was amazing. Truly, amazing.

As you all know, I am pregnant with our second baby and due in a month. We don't know what he/she will be. And we don't have a name picked out either.  About a week after C and I had the "its not working out" talk, C moved out. God showed me so much during this transition. I would pray He give me a sign, anything to tell me to move on. And I am not even joking kidding, something would pop up, and I'd find out something new. Rather it was his car in someones driveway, or strands of hair on his clothes and in his car, the smell of perfume or make up smears on his shirts. I would find it, unwillingly. Things popped up. But I chose to ignore them. I wanted my husband back. I wanted my family whole. "Do what you need to do, and come back home.." was what I told him. But he had told me at some point "maybe you're just my first wife. like they all say." or "you'll be fine, i'm sure you'll find someone to sweep you off your feet" ugh, the heart break. Call me crazy, but I am not going to let 12 years go down the drain. I am gonna fight for us. I am going to hold onto my vowels as a wife, and stick this through. This is not C. This is not my husband. This accident he had to his brain, really messed him up. Even though he says it has nothing to do with his injury.

I knew things weren't so well before his accident, but I never in a million years, thought my husband, my best friend would leave me. Pregnant, with a two year old toddler. The hardest part, of all of this, was hiding the tears from Sophia. I had my prayer closet, and still, everyday at 4am, I'd wake up and pray. I hold my stomach tight and ask God to forgive me for putting my unborn child through this mess. I am grieving a loss. I grab his clothes and hold it tightly to my chest and cry. A loss that is still physically here on Earth. I lost 10 pounds in a week. I was hospitalized twice during the month of February. I went through preterm labor and had to really take it easy by being on bed rest. Being pregnant through this separation, is what motivated me to eat. Having a two year old little girl, is what motivated me to get up everyday. "dad is working again" became the common words coming out of my mouth. I felt so bad for her.

I contacted our Pastor even though he refused to go to counseling. But he didn't even want to try to get any help for our marriage. Until he finally agreed to meeting me at our Pastor's home. And although his mind was still made up to end our relationship, I am so glad he came with me to talk to our Pastor and his wife. But amongst it all, I pulled through. I fought through and am still fighting through. I can do this. I AM doing this. All thanks to Him. Carrying me and guiding me and making me stronger. So, I am going to take this next month and just reflect on what is, and let go of what was, and let whatever happen, happen. Trusting the process. Our little baby is due soon, and even though no one agrees to letting me have him in the delivery room, I can't say no. He is the father to our baby. I would never take that away from him. And who knows, maybe this baby will change it all.


All in Gods hands.


***Present Time: December 7th, 2018
Hey guys! I'm back, and reading this draft above, had me in tears. It brought back those memories and over flowed my heart with sensitivity again. I'm human, what can I say, but what a rollercoaster. Thank you, Jesus for loving me, guiding me and allowing me to grieve this with you by my side.
Sadly, Sophia still remembers this. Brings it up spontaneously although I PRAY she forgets this stage in her life. Breaks my heart. Divorces happen all the time, and way more often now than they should be. So sad. All I can say, is that I believe every bad, brings good and this was a blessing in disguise. Everything, happens for a reason. I believe the Lord wouldn't allow us to go through these things, if he didn't have a plan for us. I began trusting Him and loved life so much with that faith. I then had Mikaela, and that day was such an emotional day for me. I'll be posting her birth story here very soon. About a week or two after she was born, was when I had my official "I give up" talk with myself. I was so upset, and bitter and tired of crying now with a toddler and in so much pain from my c-section to a newborn that I wanted to finally be happy and love life for my baby girls.


(if you read this entire thing, I adore you. This isn't in anyway me trying to talk badly about C. He is the father to my girls, and I will always respect and love him for that and we just didn't work out like we planned. That's okay, life goes on.)
 I. AM. BACK. 
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